The best thing about the Louisville Slugger is the fear it struck into people’s hearts. Half the time, I didn’t even have to use it. As soon as they saw it in my hands, the fight usually left their eyes in a hurry.

Most of the time, if a guy’s a day or two late on his payments, I’d go over my options. If it was his first time and he was usually good about paying up, I’d talk to the guy and say, “Look, you better pay up, Sonny, because I’m gonna collect one way or the other.” I had a reputation to protect, after all. If I let some loser take advantage of my generosity, it would come back to haunt me in a hurry. There are a lot of sharks out there, and they smell blood before it even escapes the body.

If I’d talked to the guy before, or if I just didn’t like him, I had the next option, which was just to t’row him a good old fashioned beatin’. I didn’t need the Louisville for that. Just my two fists, and maybe a roll of quarters or a pair of brass knuckles if the dude was bigger than I was (even then they usually knew better than to hit back).

Next came my third and favorite option. This I reserved for guys who were either really late or owed me big time, or if they just really pissed me off. You know, maybe they just didn’t look at me right, or maybe I didn’t like their face and I thought it would be better if I rearranged it a little. This is where the Louisville Slugger really came in handy.

Why is the Louisville Slugger the best? For one thing, I like the name. Slugger. That says it all. Two, it’s durable. Nothing’s worse than having your bat break when you’re in the middle of a good beatin’, and you have to quit early (unless you want to stab the guy with the shards, but that ain’t my style). Occasionally, I would use a Wilson or a Rawlings just to prove a point. Take this guy Tommy. He owed me twelve grand and could never make a payment. He still thought he could win it back on his next bet and I would tell him, “Tommy, you’re hard headed. Just do this job for me so you can start payin’ up.” But he wouldn’t listen. I liked Tommy, he was a good kid. But enough’s enough, and I made sure I used the Rawlings on him, and sure enough, after a couple smacks to the head the damn thing broke. I said, “See Tommy, I told you you was hard headed!” Alas, he didn’t hear me.

Like I said, most of the time, the sight of the bat alone was sufficient enough to make them wise up. I still liked to give ‘em a couple wacks for good measure though.

My cousin Frank had other methods. He had a big cargo van, and he liked to swing by and have a guy in the back to pick them up, knock them out with some chloroform. They’d wake up naked in the middle of the woods somewhere, tied to a tree.

That sort of thing was just too complicated for my tastes. And if they had a lot of people after them, they wouldn’t even know who did it. Nothing’s worse than sending somebody a message and having them not realize that it was you. Then you have to send them yet another message, and that just ain’t pleasant.

And the Louisville Slugger was my trademark. One time I found out this dude a couple blocks down was using the same type of bat, and I had to go talk to him. I said, “Look, I been usin’ the Louisville Slugger for SIX YEARS now. You been in this neighborhood what, two weeks? Find your own god damn bat! Else I’ll take my Louisville Slugger to you!” And he said, “No, I’ll take mine to you!” And we went back and forth like that but suffice it to say that him and his bat both became fish food.

I don’t like the aluminum bats at all. Sure, you don’t have to worry about them breakin’, but they just don’t LOOK right. And that clang they make just don’t sound right neither. I like that nice THWACK! sound, or THUMP!, if you go to the body. It just sends a more clear message. It’s more professional. Aluminum bats are for amateurs.

There’s nothing worse than being caught out in the open without your favorite bat. It happened to me a couple weeks ago, and I’m still cursing myself for it. A couple guys jumped me and I’d had a little too much liquor so they got the best of me. Needless to say, it would have been a different story if I’d had ole Louis there with me. Next time things will be different, but don’t worry, my pals caught up with those two jokers, who right about now are probably realizing that it ain’t so easy to get your breath when you’re at the bottom of the Cape Fear River with a couple blocks of cement chained to your ankles.

I would highly recommend this bat. If you have a co-worker or neighbor who you just don’t like, say they got that look in their eyes where they think they’re better than you — the bat to the head usually does the trick. After that when they look at you, it will be with proper humility and obsequiousness.

I have a job that almost, ALMOST fulfills the same urges that I used to satisfy playing poker.

My job is basically the greatest strategy game I’ve ever played. I’m a trial attorney. Many of the strategems I put together while finishing too many cocktails and too many cigars in smoke filled poker rooms have paid off in my work, inside and outside the courtroom.

Say I am taking a deposition of a defendant in a personal injury, car wreck case. I rarely go for the throat. I am nice and polite, and when they try to bullshit me about how the accident wasn’t their fault, when I already know I can PROVE it’s their fault to the jury, I agree with them. They walk out of the deposition thinking it was easy. They won a small pot with J-2 suited and they think they’re sitting pretty.

Of course I’m just reeling the fish in. (And in this job, they’re ALL fish, that’s the beauty of it).

Trial comes, and a jury is finally present, so the stakes are higher. I ask, to this fish who I allowed to win a small pot and get overconfident,

“So you’d driven with large objects tied to the back of your pickup before?” (I check raise)

“Oh yes, COUNTLESS times.” (he calls)

No further questions. The defendant smirks, thinking he’s safe with those pocket nines.

In closing argument, I turn over my cards. I remind the jury that this guy KNEW what he was doing when he tied the sofa onto his truck before driving it down the highway, so why did the sofa fall off his truck and hit my client’s car?

The guy walks out of the courtroom with the look you see on a self proclaimed poker whiz who walked into the poker room cocky, built up a stack and got cockier, and just like that went broke at the table.

How do I win? Well, I don’t always win, of course. I play the cards that I’m dealt. Sometimes they suck. I lose plenty of hands. Sometimes I have losing sessions. But overall, I’m ahead. And that’s all that matters. I don’t try to win every hand. I don’t care about annihilating my opponent — I just want to come out ahead in the long run. I don’t care if I win with pocket aces or 7-2 offsuit. I take the cards I’m dealt and I work with them as best I can.

The fundamental underlying philosophies of poker apply to trial strategy. It all boils down to individual decisions. Make the best decision you can as often as possible. Minimize your mistakes. Play a solid game — don’t screw up the easy decisions. Don’t get rattled, don’t get overconfident. Don’t be easily intimidated, but respect your opponent. When the decision is tough, do the best you can. When you do make a mistake, embrace that mistake, and learn from it. The same situation will come up again, and you will make the correct decision next time.

Poker: oops, I just busted out because I fell in love with my A-K suited.
Law: shit, the jury just awarded my client nothing because they bought the defense attorney’s bullshit argument that my client would have pocketed the money they awarded him without paying the medical bills he had a contractual obligation to pay, and I could have EXPLAINED that in my closing argument, but I didn’t think of it!

Accept the fact that your mistake cost you the hand. Don’t blame it on other factors. Don’t whine about bad beats.

Poker: that f***er rivered me!
Law: that f***ing judge let in inadmissible evidence that unduly prejudiced the jury and cost me the case!

Bottom line: if your play was correct, don’t let bad beats change the way you play that situation in future hands; if your play was incorrect, don’t let temptation fool you into making the same mistake again.

And what did I do with my first night back at the poker table? I played a 90 player PLAY MONEY sit n’ go. I played for two hours with no tv, no music, no web surfing. I watched every hand. I even sat there staring at the computer screen patiently while myballsNeedRubbing05 ran the clock down on every turn he took on every single hand.

I didn’t even know what the hell I was playing for — 10,000 play money points? A stuffed animal? I didn’t care. I didn’t even care if I won, frankly. I just wanted to do the best I could, with the cards I was dealt. Solid play, correct decisions, patience, and the satisfaction you get when you know you’re playing your best game. That’s all you can do.

Grifter Jim is a senior writer for PokerPlasm.com.

For those of you who missed the ESPN telecast, here is a transcript:

Mike: We’re back at Table 1, where Grifter Jim sat down a few minutes ago.

Bob: Grifter Jim is playing awfully aggressive tonight. He’s playing a lot of hands, making a lot of raises and trying to control what he perceives as weak opponents. He just won a small pot on a bluff and is just about even in chips.

Mike: That’s not Grifter Jim’s usual playing style. He doesn’t believe in bluffing to win small pots and he’s not big on controlling the table either. He likes to play weak opponents and just sit back and wait for the easy big pots.

Bob: Look at this! Grifter Jim has AK suited. He makes a pot sized raise. This is pot limit hold em by the way.

Mike: AAROCKETS calls with 55…Look at that flop! AA5! Grifter Jim is in big trouble. AARockets has position on him…and Grifter Jim bets the pot! He is in BIG trouble. AAROCKETS smooth calls…the turn is NO HELP for Grifter Jim. He needs an Ace or a King, or he is DONE! And he bets the pot AGAIN without hesitating!

Bob: Grifter Jim is blinded by his three aces, king kicker. He’s not even thinking about what AAROCKETS has, and he’s being greedy.

Mike: AAROCKETS smooth calls again.

Bob: There’s no point in slow playing, but that’s what these weaker internet players like to do.

Mike: Here comes the river…it’s a TWO! Grifter Jim is beat. A dream hand for AAROCKETS.

Bob: Grifter Jim bets the rest of his stack. He still thinks he has AAROCKETS beat.

Mike: AAROCKETS calls quickly. He proudly shows his full house!

Bob: Grifter Jim doesn’t bat an eye! I think he saw this coming in the back of his mind, he just couldn’t stop it.

Mike: He’s taking a BIG swig of Bud Light.

Bob: That might explain his aggressive play tonight.

Mike: Grifter Jim buys back in quickly.

Bob: He looks more upset at having to sit out a hand then over losing all that money.

[several minutes later]

Mike: Grifter Jim is still down tonight. He lost his first buy in and is down a bit from his re-buy.

Bob: Grifter Jim is still playing strong and fast, still playing a lot of hands.

Mike: He looks like he just wants to have fun tonight. His normal philosophy is to win money first, have fun second, but he’s taking a lot of unnecessary risks and making strong moves that are lost on weak players.

Bob: Here he is with 10-10. He makes another big raise before the flop. Two people call.

Mike: Look at ZBreeze calling with Jack-Five! You’ve gotta love the low limit tables!

Bob: There’s a Jack on the flop, no ten for Grifter Jim.

Mike: He bets the pot anyway! He wants that pot!

Bob: Grifter Jim is firing tonight! He doesn’t care if he has the best hand or not.

Mike: Player 3 folds, ZBreeze mulls it over and calls. He’s gotta think his top pair is vulnerable with that 5 kicker and Grifter Jim’s aggressive betting.

Bob: The turn does not help. Grifter Jim bets the pot again! ZBreeze calls again. Grifter Jim is in trouble and this time he knows it!

Mike: It’s not stopping him from betting though. And he’s on his third Bud Light since sitting down.

Bob: I think he had a few BEFORE he sat down.

Mike: The river is NO HELP! ZBreeze has the better hand with his pair of jacks.

Bob: Grifter Jim bets again! He’s all in!

Mike: ZBreeze thinks it over and calls.

Bob: That’s what calling stations do.

Mike: ZBreeze displays his Jack-Five, and doubles up with a pair of jacks, FIVE kicker!

Bob: Grifter Jim is busted again!

Mike: Grifter Jim looks very calm. He sips his Bud Light.

Bob: Oh! He just threw the bottle against the wall!

Mike: Grifter Jim is not happy folks!

Bob: He gets up…he knocks his chair over!

Mike: Now he’s kicking the cat! Look at this display of anger!

Bob: He never liked that cat anyway, it belongs to his roommate…

Mike: Grifter Jim has stormed out of the room…havoc has ensued here at table 1…

Bob: He’s coming back in, he’s got a baseball bat!

Mike: This is turning ugly!

Bob: He’s about to smash his computer with the bat!

Mike: He hauls back to swing…

Bob: He stopped himself, Mike.

Mike: Just in the nick of time, Grifter Jim’s senses kicked in, and he stopped himself from perhaps doing significant damage to his computer system.

Bob: He’s taking deep breaths, he put the bat down. I think he’s ok.

Mike: His bankroll took a big hit tonight. Grifter Jim is not happy.

Bob: He’s not happy with himself, Mike. He did not play like himself, and his bankroll paid the price.

Mike: This should be a lesson for you kids out there. Don’t drink and play.

Bob: Drinking’s ok. Poker’s ok. Drinking and poker together don’t mix.

Mike: Not online anyway.

Grifter Jim is a senior writer for PokerPlasm.com.

On the flip side of that, you win MORE money the more you exploit the mistakes of others. All the mistakes I will discuss in this series are easy to spot. The trick is to profit as much as you can when they occur.

The First Mistake: Marrying Early
My parents never agreed on much. But they agreed on one thing, and they both gave me the same advice over and over again. “Son, don’t ever be in a hurry to get married.”

I took that advice, in life and at the poker table.

In Texas Hold Em, you never want to get married to your starting hand. Flirting is fine, even dating. Go ahead and tattoo a pair of aces on your forearm, if you really have to. Just don’t marry the damn things. You don’t know them yet.

With most hands, it’s easy to follow this advice. You don’t look twice at 4-9 or 7-2. With Ace-Queen or Ace-Jack, King-Queen, or low pocket pair, you’re in a situation akin to eyeing a pretty stranger in a smoky bar. She has potential, but you don’t know anything about her. You might be willing to date her, but you wouldn’t think about marrying her…unless you’re in Vegas and you’ve had way too much to drink. That’s why you should never drink alone in Vegas, and you shouldn’t drink excessively at the poker table.

But the premium hands have a way of seducing you. They’re like the REALLY attractive girl with the killer body and sexy gleam in her eyes when she smiles. Think Angelina Jolie. Logically, you know better than to marry her. But when she’s staring you in the face, the idea of marriage sure is tempting.

Pocket Jacks might have this effect, particularly on the novice. They’re like the nineteen year old college girl, who downs shots like crazy, French kisses every guy in sight and flashes her breasts upon whim. The uninitiated may fall for her, but the experienced veterans know better. You might date her, but you don’t marry her. You don’t even get your hopes up. You wait and see.

Pocket queens are more like the good looking older woman who sits down next to you and flirts unashamedly, making you feel like a million bucks, then drinking a little too much and opening her soul to you. You know she has a lot to offer, but you still need to exercise caution. She has potential to do good, and potential to do harm.

If it’s two cowboys that do the trick for you, there’s nothing wrong with that. I have yet to see “Brokeback Mountain” but I understand that they can have an allure and charm. They’re strong and proud and easy to fall for. Just remember, once in awhile, they’re vulnerable too. It’s ok to love them. Just don’t marry them.

None of them quite compare to the almighty seductress, pocket aces. When you hold them in your hand, the cards feel like they’re on fire. Your heartbeat increases. Your throat goes dry. This is like being approached by the gorgeous, confident woman in the sexy black or red dress, with the perfect body. She crosses her beautiful, tan legs when she sits down next to you. Her eyes gleam when she smiles at you and her perfume scent engulfs you. You’re not just thinking about dating this woman. You’re thinking marriage. You can’t help it. You’ll live happily ever after, you’ll have ten children, three cars, a swimming pool, a dog…

Stop right there! Take a deep breath. It’s normal to THINK marriage, just don’t do it yet! Your inner voice should be screaming, “This is great…but BE CAREFUL!” You don’t have enough information. Not all the cards have fallen. If you plunge ahead too soon with this one, she can be more dangerous than all the others combined. This one can ruin you.

You’ve seen the victims. How many times have you seen players go broke with aces? How many movies has Billy Bob Thornton made since Angelina Jolie left him?

Don’t get married to ANY starting hand. A good player can lay down Ace-King, Queen-Queen, King-King or Ace-Ace without batting an eye. If you play it as cool as you should, nobody will even know you had them. Sure, you had your opponent dominated before the flop, but if he’s got you AFTER the flop, learn to walk away. It is part of the game, and you shouldn’t let it bother you.

Exploiting the Flaw
Many players seem to think that if they have the best starting hand, they deserve to win.

Have you seen how furious these people get when their pocket aces get cracked? They can’t resist telling the table they had aces. Some of them even complain, “I hate pocket aces!” It angers them that the aces don’t win every single time!

If your opponent has this flaw, it will be so easy to spot, you won’t even really need to look. He will whine and cry about his “bad beat” and he’ll keep crying about those aces or kings for several hands, if not all night. Don’t let his crying annoy you – be thankful that he’s exposing a glaring weakness. Know that if he falls for that seductress in a later hand and you’re the one lucky enough to catch the flop on him, you can win A LOT of money, because he won’t be able to lay it down no matter how much you bet.

The Winning Hand
On a final note, I was dealt Ace-King suited last May. I was properly cautious, but when the flop came 10-J-Q of the SAME SUIT, the time for hesitation was over. Great rewards do come to those who are patient. This column is dedicated to my fiancee, Tawnia.

Grifter Jim is a senior writer for PokerPlasm.com.

You’re a few hands into a 100-player tournament. The field is full of fish, and your table is an aquarium of guppies with you trying to play the role of shark. You’ve picked up several pots in rapid succession, and with your momentum as high as it can get, you pick up pocket aces. You play them strong.

Three players call your (huge) 5x BB raise, and the flop is a K, T, x rainbow. With good reason to believe you have the best hand, you bet big, the size of the pot. Two of the callers fold, but one hangs in there with a grim look of determination. You’re all set to reel this sucker in.

On the turn comes another ten, making it K, T, x, T.

You stop and think. Why would this guy have called you before and after the flop? You don’t have him on KK. One king is a good possibility. On the other hand, did this jerkoff really call your pot-sized bet with a fucking ten?

A bet of half the pot is probably called for here, maybe a little more. You can’t throw caution to the wind with these fish though. Some of them nip back.

So you bet the pot, or half the pot, and the fish immediately says, ‘I’m all in.’ He can barely contain his excitement.

So what does he have? If he had just a king, he’s not going all in here, not this fish. Nor are straight or flush draws likely. It’s obvious the guy has a ten.

Unfortunately a little voice in your head distracts you. It says, ‘Screw this idiot! This was my hand to win! I’ve got pocket aces! Sure it looks like he has a ten. Ok, he almost definitely has a ten. But he could have something else. Or I could catch another ace.’

So you call, and grimace in disgust as your opponent triumphantly turns over his magnificent ten. On the river, he catches a fourth ten, and you’re out of the tournament. No more fishing for you.

The tragedy here isn’t that the bonehead called your pre-flop raise with T9o and then called a pot-sized bet with middle pair, nine kicker. The tragedy isn’t that you had pocket aces and lost the hand (it happens) or even that you went out of the tournament with pocket aces (often that’s the best way to go out). The tragedy is that you played the hand and had your opponent read perfectly, until you made a call that you knew was bad. You put all of your chips in the pot, knowing that you were far behind. You could have gotten out of there, down a bit, but with plenty of chips left and plenty of hands to play.

You might as well have taken your chips into the bathroom and flushed them down the toilet.

What happened here? Were you blinded by your pocket aces? Pocket aces and pocket kings can blind a man. It happens to the best of us. We forget that once the flop comes, sometimes all we’re left with is a pair, and that’s often not good enough to win the hand.

That’s partly what happened. But what really caused you to lose your chips was not the mesmerizing aces in your hand. It was the pride in your gut. The sin of pride. The fish you were chasing turned around and chased you, and you felt the sting. You felt the need to take a stand, when you had the chance to escape, and stalk the fish later. Had you been patient, he likely would have been yours. But your pride got in the way. You just had to win this hand. You threw everything you had into this battle, knowing that it would likely cost you the war.

You should feel a great sense of satisfaction when you have the ability and discipline to throw those aces awa, some players never can. Nevertheless, had you mucked them, you were guaranteed to lose the hand. By staying in, you had a small chance of winning.

That’s not what poker is all about. Poker is not about winning individual hands. It’s not about the number of hands you win or the fashion in which you win them. It’s about the amount of money you win. In tournaments, it’s about survival. Sometimes, just two or three winning hands is enough to win a tournament. But you won’t win those hands if you busted out three hours ago.

Never let pride get in the way of the cool logic you apply to your game. Don’t let the sting distract you. Don’t let those attractive but unnecessary pots tempt you. And when the tables turn and you know you are suddenly behind, continue to play your smart, superior game. Relax, control your emotions, and make the correct play. The mistakes of your opponents will catch up to them, and since you’ll still be around, you will be the one to capitalize on them.

Grifter Jim is a senior writer for PokerPlasm.com.

Card playing isn’t for worriers. It’s not for the drama kings and queens, and it’s not for the emotional.

If you want to be a good card player, you’ve got to be tough. Unflappable. As cool as the Fonze, in a swimming pool, on a sweltering afternoon.

Let those around you sweat, while you remain cool. That’s your edge.

“You called with Jack-seven offsuit? God, I hate amateurs!”

The above speaker is definitely not being cool. Moreover, that statement could be infuriating, or it could be hilarious. Let’s say it’s directed at you. Specifically, you’re in a tournament, the speaker pushed all in, you put her on a small pocket pair, and the pot odds, the amount of chips you have (significantly more than the speaker) and the timing of the tournament lead you to call. She turns over 6-6.

Your call, based on the totality of the circumstances, was pretty good. Now let’s say your opponent’s done quite a few things over the course of the tournament that were much more questionable than your call (which is why she had fewer chips than you in the first place). In short, you know she’s not as good of a poker player as you are (and certainly not as good as she thinks she is). But she’s bitching about your play, she seems to think she’s the second coming of Annie Duke (or, hell, she might be Annie Duke), and the bottom line is, she’s annoying. To make matters worse, you’re playing in a tournament with a $20 buy-in, in somebody’s basement. So she’s not exactly a pro, but she’s making snide comments about what she perceives as ‘amateurish’ play.

Her comment could have a few different effects on you.

1) You get pissed off. This is completely understandable. On the other hand, it’s the wrong way to react, and it can only hurt your chances in the tournament. This isn’t really a street fight, where anger can give you a surge of adrenaline that aids you in defeating your enemy. In poker, anger only hurts. It never helps.
2) You feel the need to defend your decision. This is even more understandable. It’s human nature to want to defend yourself when you believe that you are right. This is where poker goes against human nature. Defending yourself is human nature, but bad poker strategy. NEVER do ANYTHING to educate your opponents, and NEVER, NEVER, NEVER give them insight toward how you play a hand! Smart players will pick up on your style, to some degree, and you can’t avoid that, but to tell people how you play is simply foolish.
3) Laugh. Her statement was funny! Here is this second rate player, who thinks she’s Annie Duke, playing in some idiot’s basement, making questionable moves all night and then sneering at your correct play as ‘amateurish.’ It’s funny on more than one level, and when something is funny, you’re supposed to laugh. It’ll piss her off even more, and it’ll allow her to continue to see you as an inferior player, to continue to be blind of your strategies, AND THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT.

Poker is fun. It’s relaxing. But it’s competitive. And competitive events can get people riled up.

To stay ahead of the competition, AVOID getting riled up. Keep your emotions in check. Your emotions will NEVER win you money. Your cool, clear minded strategies will.

Grifter Jim is a senior writer for PokerPlasm.com.